My rider for working on Easter
Hello everyone! It's the Snerd with my tale of Easter, diva demands, and The Smoking Gun. Sheila, henceforth known as "The Boss," asked me, the Snerd, to work on Easter. She felt that it would be good for everyone to be able to buy lube on Easter Sunday. Even though I agreed with her, I had to do this on my terms. Unbeknownst to The Boss, I have been spending many of my breaks reading trashy tabloids and not- so-trashy tidbits on The Smoking Gun. That dastardly combination of media brain candy made my inner diva come out and demand my own backstage rider for working on Easter.
The following are the demands I made for that day:
1. One Krupps Espresso Machine. It must have the milk frothing attachment or I will be forced to trash the dressing room.
2. One Jenna Jameson Hot Trimmer. It is getting to be bikini season, after all!
3. A tray of fresh fruit. I need enough for myself and anyone else who may come in to purchase some of our fine wares. I must have bing cherries on this platter. If there are no bing cherries, I will take matters into my own hands by rearranging the cock ring wall in a fashion that makes absolutely no marketable sense.
4. In order to look my "Sunday Best" on Easter, I will need one Latex Bustier aka "The Yummy Shirt For Women." If you are unable to obtain said item in my size in time for Easter, I will accept one Latex Buckle Jacket in its place. Failure to provide either item will result in all speculums being used as duck puppets for an elaborate production of "My Fair Lady" taking place in the latex section, on Easter, at 3pm.
5. A pony. I have always wanted a pony.
6. A one pound box of Godiva assorted chocolates to keep my blood sugars at an adequate level.
7. To keep my energy levels above the red line, I will need a three course meal including: crab cakes, truffles, lobster, two starches, and mixed greens in a raspberry vinagrette.
8. Two bottles of chilled Moet Champagne to keep me in the spirit of Easter.
9. It is common knowledge that holidays are far more enjoyable when shared with family or a trusty companion. To instill the feeling of holiday "cheer" I require one Colin Farrell, dressed appropriately, plus enough alcohol and cigarettes to keep him complacent for the entire 9 hour workday. If you are unable to supply one Colin Farrell, you may substitute either one Marshall Mathers or one Johnny Depp. Failure to supply, at least, one of the above will result in happy faces being painted on all inflatable, latex dildos.
Those were my demands. I have, since, discovered that I make a terrible diva. The Boss seemed to agree with this assumption and made a few changes on my Easter Rider. The following are her ammendments:
1. One cup of Iced Coffee from the Garden of Eden Cafe.
2. One disposable razor and a wet nap.
3. One bag of assorted fruity gummi worms.
4. One, slightly worn, "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt in powder blue.
5. One, well read, copy of "Black Beauty" with the front cover torn off.
6. One tootsie roll pop in a blue wrapper that The Boss dug out from the bottom of her purse.
7. One small pepperoni pizza.
8. One can of, room temperature, Diet Coke.
9. Three Softee Vibrators with the words "Colin," "Marshall," and "Johnny" written on them in black pen.
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Even with the changes, I still had a great time at work. The folks that graced me with their presence were all happy that they could still buy lube on a holiday. My work here is done. Strike that! My work here is never done. The world needs more lube, I say! And as long as there is breath in my body, I will make sure that we are here to sell it.
I must confess something. Quentin has his Uma for a muse. I have my Kitty. She was critical in helping me write my demands for Easter. Thank you, Miss Kitty. I'll send you a gummi worm. You can also have your choice of Colin, Marshall, or Johnny. I'll even throw in the batteries. Big Kiss!
Be well.
The Snerd
erosboutique.com
The following are the demands I made for that day:
1. One Krupps Espresso Machine. It must have the milk frothing attachment or I will be forced to trash the dressing room.
2. One Jenna Jameson Hot Trimmer. It is getting to be bikini season, after all!
3. A tray of fresh fruit. I need enough for myself and anyone else who may come in to purchase some of our fine wares. I must have bing cherries on this platter. If there are no bing cherries, I will take matters into my own hands by rearranging the cock ring wall in a fashion that makes absolutely no marketable sense.
4. In order to look my "Sunday Best" on Easter, I will need one Latex Bustier aka "The Yummy Shirt For Women." If you are unable to obtain said item in my size in time for Easter, I will accept one Latex Buckle Jacket in its place. Failure to provide either item will result in all speculums being used as duck puppets for an elaborate production of "My Fair Lady" taking place in the latex section, on Easter, at 3pm.
5. A pony. I have always wanted a pony.
6. A one pound box of Godiva assorted chocolates to keep my blood sugars at an adequate level.
7. To keep my energy levels above the red line, I will need a three course meal including: crab cakes, truffles, lobster, two starches, and mixed greens in a raspberry vinagrette.
8. Two bottles of chilled Moet Champagne to keep me in the spirit of Easter.
9. It is common knowledge that holidays are far more enjoyable when shared with family or a trusty companion. To instill the feeling of holiday "cheer" I require one Colin Farrell, dressed appropriately, plus enough alcohol and cigarettes to keep him complacent for the entire 9 hour workday. If you are unable to supply one Colin Farrell, you may substitute either one Marshall Mathers or one Johnny Depp. Failure to supply, at least, one of the above will result in happy faces being painted on all inflatable, latex dildos.
Those were my demands. I have, since, discovered that I make a terrible diva. The Boss seemed to agree with this assumption and made a few changes on my Easter Rider. The following are her ammendments:
1. One cup of Iced Coffee from the Garden of Eden Cafe.
2. One disposable razor and a wet nap.
3. One bag of assorted fruity gummi worms.
4. One, slightly worn, "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt in powder blue.
5. One, well read, copy of "Black Beauty" with the front cover torn off.
6. One tootsie roll pop in a blue wrapper that The Boss dug out from the bottom of her purse.
7. One small pepperoni pizza.
8. One can of, room temperature, Diet Coke.
9. Three Softee Vibrators with the words "Colin," "Marshall," and "Johnny" written on them in black pen.
Even with the changes, I still had a great time at work. The folks that graced me with their presence were all happy that they could still buy lube on a holiday. My work here is done. Strike that! My work here is never done. The world needs more lube, I say! And as long as there is breath in my body, I will make sure that we are here to sell it.
I must confess something. Quentin has his Uma for a muse. I have my Kitty. She was critical in helping me write my demands for Easter. Thank you, Miss Kitty. I'll send you a gummi worm. You can also have your choice of Colin, Marshall, or Johnny. I'll even throw in the batteries. Big Kiss!
Be well.
The Snerd
erosboutique.com
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