Medical Madness!

Attention! I want to play "Operation" with someone now that we have a bunch of spiffy new medical goodies to play with! STAT!

Hmmmm. Nurse Snerd? Ah! Today, I will be The Snurse! Would this face lie to you?

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DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!

Back to the shiny things! Even if you don't use some of them, they look damned cool. Here are The Snurse's favorite gadgets:

The field kit is handy to have whether you are into playing doctor or not! That little zippered bag holds some serious goodies. The possibilities are endless! It's a good idea to have a set of safety scissors around, anyway. Especially, if you like to play with latex hoods or mummification!

When customers inquire about the jumbo speculum, I tell them that it comes in "Oh Lordy!" size for the exams you get every year after you turn 60. After the shock wears off, I tell the truth and let them in on the fact that it is made specifically for large animals.

The Hershman anal scope is absolutely adorable (as much as an anal scope can be, anyway). The little plunger allows for a better view, when pulled out. It's also great for applying lube!

The dental forceps are....GAH!... I cannot lie. Dental stuff scares the heck out of me. That's why the Boss keeps them around for when I think about slacking off. They still look cool, though! (especially when they aren't in the Boss's hands!!!!)

Yes, I am a nerd, but think of the industrial hickies you could give someone with the cupping set! Put the dental forceps DOWN, Boss! Please?

I like to think of the Proctoscope as the "Oh Lordy!" sized cousin of the Hershman anal scope. Not only can you apply lube with it, but you can pretend like its a lazer gun and shoot....Boss?!?! What are you doing with that giant.....GAH!

I have to run (literally) now! Bye!

The Snurse
erosboutique.com

Avoidance

I'm just going to get the Avoidance aspect of this litte article out of the way right now. I have been mulling this whole "AIDS in the Industry" issue over in my head for days. I've stared at my computer and waited for my take on it to come flowing out of my fingers. I can't do it. I am too dumbfounded by all of this. I am going to cop out and give you some links to folks that have overcome their own shock long enough to write some damned good takes on it. I have already made comments on Carly's site regarding this mess so instead of repeating myself, I figured that I should just link you over to Pornblography. This way, you can read, not only my thoughts, but the thoughts of many other people in and close to those in the industry.

Ah hell! I am a liar. By attempting to cop out, I have stirred up a few random thoughts that I have to express or I am going to go mental. I will end this piece on a good note if it kills me. First, the bitching:

1. To all of the ignorant idiots who have stated that "they are only porn stars and they had it coming," I ask you this: How can you idolize people who beat the crap out of others for a living (boxers, wrestlers, etc.) and yet you hold such disdain for those who have sex for a living? I don't know about you, but I can relate to someone having sex a hell of a lot more than someone that beats people up. Ponder this and get back to me.

2. To the government officials that decided this is an outbreak that needs your intervention: I'm not sure how I feel about that, yet. I am torn. Part of me thinks that anything that can be done to raise the safety levels in the industry can be a good thing, but the other part of me wonders where you draw the line in all of this. I'll get back to you when I have thought this one through a little more.

3. To Skyler Banks, Persia, Jocelyn, and Annie Cruz: The news on your negative test results was the best thing I've read all day. I will be keeping my fingers crossed until you get the same verdict on your 30 day test.

That's it for Avoidance. Next time, I'll move on to something much more fun. Look for my blurbs about the latest Issue of Juxtapoz and get Dirty in Detroit with me later this week.

The Snerd
erosboutique.com

My rider for working on Easter

Hello everyone! It's the Snerd with my tale of Easter, diva demands, and The Smoking Gun. Sheila, henceforth known as "The Boss," asked me, the Snerd, to work on Easter. She felt that it would be good for everyone to be able to buy lube on Easter Sunday. Even though I agreed with her, I had to do this on my terms. Unbeknownst to The Boss, I have been spending many of my breaks reading trashy tabloids and not- so-trashy tidbits on The Smoking Gun. That dastardly combination of media brain candy made my inner diva come out and demand my own backstage rider for working on Easter.

The following are the demands I made for that day:

1. One Krupps Espresso Machine. It must have the milk frothing attachment or I will be forced to trash the dressing room.

2. One Jenna Jameson Hot Trimmer. It is getting to be bikini season, after all!



3. A tray of fresh fruit. I need enough for myself and anyone else who may come in to purchase some of our fine wares. I must have bing cherries on this platter. If there are no bing cherries, I will take matters into my own hands by rearranging the cock ring wall in a fashion that makes absolutely no marketable sense.

4. In order to look my "Sunday Best" on Easter, I will need one Latex Bustier aka "The Yummy Shirt For Women." If you are unable to obtain said item in my size in time for Easter, I will accept one Latex Buckle Jacket in its place. Failure to provide either item will result in all speculums being used as duck puppets for an elaborate production of "My Fair Lady" taking place in the latex section, on Easter, at 3pm.



























5. A pony. I have always wanted a pony.

6. A one pound box of Godiva assorted chocolates to keep my blood sugars at an adequate level.

7. To keep my energy levels above the red line, I will need a three course meal including: crab cakes, truffles, lobster, two starches, and mixed greens in a raspberry vinagrette.

8. Two bottles of chilled Moet Champagne to keep me in the spirit of Easter.

9. It is common knowledge that holidays are far more enjoyable when shared with family or a trusty companion. To instill the feeling of holiday "cheer" I require one Colin Farrell, dressed appropriately, plus enough alcohol and cigarettes to keep him complacent for the entire 9 hour workday. If you are unable to supply one Colin Farrell, you may substitute either one Marshall Mathers or one Johnny Depp. Failure to supply, at least, one of the above will result in happy faces being painted on all inflatable, latex dildos.

Those were my demands. I have, since, discovered that I make a terrible diva. The Boss seemed to agree with this assumption and made a few changes on my Easter Rider. The following are her ammendments:

1. One cup of Iced Coffee from the Garden of Eden Cafe.

2. One disposable razor and a wet nap.

3. One bag of assorted fruity gummi worms.

4. One, slightly worn, "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt in powder blue.

5. One, well read, copy of "Black Beauty" with the front cover torn off.

6. One tootsie roll pop in a blue wrapper that The Boss dug out from the bottom of her purse.

7. One small pepperoni pizza.

8. One can of, room temperature, Diet Coke.

9. Three Softee Vibrators with the words "Colin," "Marshall," and "Johnny" written on them in black pen.

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Even with the changes, I still had a great time at work. The folks that graced me with their presence were all happy that they could still buy lube on a holiday. My work here is done. Strike that! My work here is never done. The world needs more lube, I say! And as long as there is breath in my body, I will make sure that we are here to sell it.

I must confess something. Quentin has his Uma for a muse. I have my Kitty. She was critical in helping me write my demands for Easter. Thank you, Miss Kitty. I'll send you a gummi worm. You can also have your choice of Colin, Marshall, or Johnny. I'll even throw in the batteries. Big Kiss!

Be well.
The Snerd
erosboutique.com