Well, it's that time of year again, and no - this has nothing to do with Christmas...

The nominations for the 2004 AVN Awards Show are out, and the list is so freakin long that there is NO WAY IN HELL i'd wish to be a judge on that panel... There's a heck of a lot of porn... How do you pick, and what exactly constitutes "The Best?"

So Lucy and I spent about 5 hours just going through the list figuring out which ones we saw, which ones we'd like to see, which ones we haven't seen, which ones we'd rather eat vomit than be subjected to viewing...

And in the end, we've compiled a list of "Winners by Title Alone..."

"No Cum Dodging Allowed"
"Space Nuts"
"Lost Heinie"
"How to Get More Pussy"
"White Trash Whore 27"
"5 Guy Cream Pie"
"Look What's Up My Ass"
"Me Sucky Fucky"
"Francesca Le Has a Negro Problem"
"Three Black Dicks and a Spanish Chick"
"Blow Me Sandwich"
"Blow Me Sandwich 2"
"Glazed and Confused"
"Crack her Jack"

The list could go on, and on, and on... But y'all get the point.

We do have some nominees that we really would like to see take home the statue.
First up, in the "Best Vignette Tape" category, we wouls like to see "Ice T's Pimpin' 101" win the award. Why? Because we love Ice T, and we're not talkin Lipton. Plus if we didn't throw him some love he'd probably kick our asses. However, in this industry, that might not be a bad thing... ("H-U-S-T-L-E-R HUSTLER!" Love that song, man...)

Next up, in the "Best Vignette Series," I nominate "Guttermouths." Any of the 28. Why? Because last week when I was organizing my videotapes - you know how you come across those random unlabeled tapes in the generic case, it might be an episode of 90210, it could be from my Alf-Obsessed days when I had to tape every episode and edit out the commercials... But no. I found "Guttermouths." Popped it in, it's not too shabby. Therefore, I hope they win this category. Go, Guttermouths, Go!

For "Best Director of a Film," Andrew Blake, baby, for "Hard Edge." His work is absolutely beautiful and extremely erotic, and if you havent seen an Andrew Blake film, you're missing out.

"Best Director of a Video" is Chi Chi La Rue for "Woman Under Glass." Why? Because Chi Chi La Rue is the hypest name EVER. If I wasn't already set on naming my unborn child Cobra, I'd go with Chi Chi La Rue.

For the "Most Outrageous Sex Scene," and this is due to pure curiosity and bafflement only, we nominate "Chunky on the Fourth of July" for their "Iraqi POW Croissant Theft" scene.
...
I don't even know where to begin...
Who stole the croissant? Where did the croissant COME from? Why did it get stolen? Why to Iraqi POWs have croissants in the first place? And why weren't they keeping a closer eye on them? I mean, if you're a POW...

Obviously, we have not seen this film. So, good people at SkinTight Pictures/Legend Video, could you PLEASE send us a copy of this film so we can review it? We NEED to find out about this croissant theft...

(FYI: When in search for a link to this film, all I could find were video lists displaying "Chunky on the 4th"... Must be a doozy.)

Finally, for the "Best Retail Website," we noticed that Eros Boutique was missing from the list of nominees... I'm sure this was just an oversight. They'll make it up to us next year...

So thank you AVN Magazine for letting us know what's hot, what's not and what's chunky in the world of porn. Thank you and good night.