Well, it's that time of year again, and no - this has nothing to do with Christmas...
The nominations for the 2004 AVN Awards Show are out, and the list is so freakin long that there is NO WAY IN HELL i'd wish to be a judge on that panel... There's a heck of a lot of porn... How do you pick, and what exactly constitutes "The Best?"
So Lucy and I spent about 5 hours just going through the list figuring out which ones we saw, which ones we'd like to see, which ones we haven't seen, which ones we'd rather eat vomit than be subjected to viewing...
And in the end, we've compiled a list of "Winners by Title Alone..."
"No Cum Dodging Allowed"
"Space Nuts"
"Lost Heinie"
"How to Get More Pussy"
"White Trash Whore 27"
"5 Guy Cream Pie"
"Look What's Up My Ass"
"Me Sucky Fucky"
"Francesca Le Has a Negro Problem"
"Three Black Dicks and a Spanish Chick"
"Blow Me Sandwich"
"Blow Me Sandwich 2"
"Glazed and Confused"
"Crack her Jack"
The list could go on, and on, and on... But y'all get the point.
We do have some nominees that we really would like to see take home the statue.
First up, in the "Best Vignette Tape" category, we wouls like to see "Ice T's Pimpin' 101" win the award. Why? Because we love Ice T, and we're not talkin Lipton. Plus if we didn't throw him some love he'd probably kick our asses. However, in this industry, that might not be a bad thing... ("H-U-S-T-L-E-R HUSTLER!" Love that song, man...)
Next up, in the "Best Vignette Series," I nominate "Guttermouths." Any of the 28. Why? Because last week when I was organizing my videotapes - you know how you come across those random unlabeled tapes in the generic case, it might be an episode of 90210, it could be from my Alf-Obsessed days when I had to tape every episode and edit out the commercials... But no. I found "Guttermouths." Popped it in, it's not too shabby. Therefore, I hope they win this category. Go, Guttermouths, Go!
For "Best Director of a Film," Andrew Blake, baby, for "Hard Edge." His work is absolutely beautiful and extremely erotic, and if you havent seen an Andrew Blake film, you're missing out.
"Best Director of a Video" is Chi Chi La Rue for "Woman Under Glass." Why? Because Chi Chi La Rue is the hypest name EVER. If I wasn't already set on naming my unborn child Cobra, I'd go with Chi Chi La Rue.
For the "Most Outrageous Sex Scene," and this is due to pure curiosity and bafflement only, we nominate "Chunky on the Fourth of July" for their "Iraqi POW Croissant Theft" scene.
...
I don't even know where to begin...
Who stole the croissant? Where did the croissant COME from? Why did it get stolen? Why to Iraqi POWs have croissants in the first place? And why weren't they keeping a closer eye on them? I mean, if you're a POW...
Obviously, we have not seen this film. So, good people at SkinTight Pictures/Legend Video, could you PLEASE send us a copy of this film so we can review it? We NEED to find out about this croissant theft...
(FYI: When in search for a link to this film, all I could find were video lists displaying "Chunky on the 4th"... Must be a doozy.)
Finally, for the "Best Retail Website," we noticed that Eros Boutique was missing from the list of nominees... I'm sure this was just an oversight. They'll make it up to us next year...
So thank you AVN Magazine for letting us know what's hot, what's not and what's chunky in the world of porn. Thank you and good night.
We know we've been slacking in the blog department.
And we have the same excuse as everyone else: We've been busy. But you know how holidays are - especially in the retail biz - shipments of butt-plus have to be priced, rubber and latex has to be shined, and new vibrators have to be quality-tested. But despite our lack of communication with all you Eros Lovers, we certainly have noticed that you've all been coming back to check us out - since this morning 100 of you folks have stopped by to see if we had any new information for you - and we LOVE you for that...
And then, an amazing thing happened...
We're sitting here on the day before Thanksgiving, listening to Christmas music, eating Halloween candy and dying hard-boiled eggs (not really, but why not get a jump-start) and in walks this guy. He makes his selections, pays for his goods, and as he's handing back his signed credit card receipt, he asks:
"So who writes the blog?"
Lucy paused for a moment, as shocked as I was that here we were, face to face with someone who may have just asked us about our blog...
"WE do!" Lucy said.
"I love it." he says. "It's hysterical! I'm an avid reader and I've turned a lot of friends onto it as well. And I love the fact that I can actually picture what goes on in here!"
Okay - we know we're just a blog - one among millions of other blogs - but we just met a FAN!! A real live FAN! You like us! You REALLY LIKE US!
So here's the thing - you gotta let us know! Sign the guestbook! When you call up to place an order or come in to buy something - tell us you read our blog! Because if you don't, we may soon cease to exist. And if we don't exist, how on earth is anyone going to know what to do with a three-pronged-electro-dildo-ball-gag-jumprope?
I love my job here at Eros. Many women and couples come in looking to buy their first toy....they are sometimes shy, always embarrassed and spend most of their time staring down at the floor shuffling their feet.
But in steps me - the self proclaimed fairy godmother of sex- I LOVE talking about vibes and other toys and helping the customer feel at ease why explaining our wares. Through trial and error (and a lot of batteries) I know what's good, what's ok, and what will blow your fucking mind! I wish when I bought my first vibe I had someone who made me feel comfortable and gave me honest advice - and maybe simple techniques like what type of lube to use...maybe get some arousal gel....you know what I'm getting at.
But no, I didn't get that. I was in one of those vid/mag shops with the sticky floors where only the true pervs lurk (picture dark sunglasses and trenchcoat creeps) staring down the only female in the store. So I grabbed some phallic piece of plastic off the shelf and ran - it died soon after I bought it. So tonight, when this woman who I sold a vibrator to the other night called me up to thank me for introducing her to the best orgasm she ever had in her life - I felt truly honored.
It's sad because many people who are embarrassed and insecure they don't realize that they are missing out on a lot of good kinky fun. In these wacky times, I think an orgasm should be mandatory daily for stress release alone. So don't be shy - don't be embarrassed if you have a question ask us....trust me we've heard it all.
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And on another note
Michael Jackson
Smooth Criminal or did he just want ot Beat it?
I know, poor taste, but why the hell would ANYONE leave their child alone with this nutbag these days. Yah, maybe during the Thriller era, it looked like Webster was having fun - but now....my god. Parents please if you're going to leave your kid with a member of the Jackson family I'd say Tito is your best bet.
Good night my little perverts ~Lucy
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I love America.
Hey folks - we know you're reading our shit - but we'd love to know who you are! Sign our guestbook (click on "comments") so we dont have to keep signing it ourselves, and we'll keep on bringin you the goods.
Shazaam!
Hope you all tuned in (if you could) to Playboy Radio and heard all about the Eros Stripper Pole from Eros "Smut Queen" Robyn -- fuck buns and abs of steel -- just get the pole, folks -- its the underground answer to all your needs.
FYI - when asked where they would install the Stripper Pole - most women answered "the bedroom" while most men answered "right next to the tv/pool table/mini bar."
Go figure.
More later... We're cooked.
FYI!!!
Catch Eros Boutique on Playboy Radio, Channel 205, Friday, November 14th, from 3pm to 7pm PST. You can call in at 1.800.359.8100.
So listen in! Call up! Have your friends listen in and call up! Have your family, your neighbors, your co-workers, your slaves and your parole officers listen in and call up!
We thank you, and our ancestors thank you.
For more information, visit www.playboyradio.com.
Torture the torture, enjoy the enjoyment,
~spaz and Lucy
Famous Pigs in History
Porky Pig.
Petunia Pig.
the Three Little Pigs.
Babe.
that Pig from Charlotte's Web.
Miss Piggy.
the Pig that came in the store the other night and wanted me to watch him put on a cockring.
Pigs are popular. Who could forget the "I Have a Potbellied Pig for a Pet" phase? George Clooney even has one. Or had. Not sure. Could be bacon by now. Pig references flood the entertainment industry ( "squeal like a pig!") and law enforcement (Not gonna write it. We love cops.)
And the biggest and most common gripe heard from the mouths of women, is
"Men are Pigs."
And they're not referring to Babe.
I could never understand the analogy of man to pig. Why a pig? Why not a llama?
But something happened today that made it all make sense. An email. With an attachment... And the skies cleared, the fog was lifted, and I said to myself:
"Ah! Men ARE pigs!"
This photo was sent to us courtesy of Dr. Dot. For those of you who don't know Dr. Dot, she's the masseuse and personal confidante to the stars. She's had such clients as the Rolling Stones, Sting, Frank Zappa, Eminem, Courtney Love, the list goes on. And on. And on...
Plus, she's fuckin HOT.
This woman is a hoot and a half. Lucy and I both have the honor of knowing her - Lucy knows her from Fat City Magazine (Dot's on the next cover) and Spaz is actually one of her massage assistants. To learn more about Dot's Massage and Relationship advice go to www.drdot.com. To see a more risque, rock'n'rollin side of Dot, hit www.puredrdot.com.
Tell her we sent you.
Because we care.
Who's your llama?
Whats the last thing that goes through a bee's mind when he hits your windshield?
His butt.
Third grade again, but we had to have an intro --
so Buzz Buzz Buzz...
Vibrators. How I Love My Vibrators.
They don't talk, they never say they're going to call and then don't, they don't make you sit through football on TV (unless you like that kind of thing) and the only way for them to disappoint you is when their batteries die.
And then you can just go get new ones.
Simple, easy and without aggravation. You don't have to listen to them bitch or buy them dinner. No need to impress with new underwear or leg-shaving, they don't care.
So tonight we're going to tell you about our favorite Vibes.
For a good, standard beginner's Vibe, the French Silk by Spice. For something that needs only 2 AA batteries, it has amazing power, and it feels like Teflon -- no stick, baby -- smooth, sleek and sexy, and comes in a variety of colors, for those folks where color matters. There's no wacky hook-up or harness that could frighten away the new Vibe User -- you look at it and know exactly what to do with it. Just how things should be.
After that long, hard day at work, and all you want to do is go home and take a nice hot bubble bath, have a few glasses of wine while you're chillin in the tub, don't forget to take along your new best friend, the Chubby G. This is the waterproof version of the Nubby G, and let me tell you, I jumped for joy when this powerful little g-spot massager found a home on the Eros shelves. Why is it so fabulous? Because you can actually hit your g-spot with this baby and it has intense clitoral stimulation. But it's all about the g-spot, as we all know. So gettin clean has never been so much fun, unless you're two and just got a pack of those bathtub fingerpaints that kinda smell like balloons. Those were fun... But we grow up... Sometimes.
Now, for the Mother Teresa of all Vibes. We've all heard of the Rabbit. This isn't it. This is the MMMDeluxe version of the rabbit. And we owe it all to Jenna Jamison, because without her, and the good people at Doc Johnson, we would never have Jenna's Beaver. The shaft vibrates, the balls rotate, and the clit stimulator (beaver) has 5 functions for a powerful stimulating sensation! What that means, is it doesnt just vibrate, it buys you dinner and tells you you're gorgeous. But also, it pulses, it surges, it escalates, and EVEN HAS A ROLLER COASTER FUNCTION.
Screw 6 Flags.
So there you have it. Why plastic is better than a penis. As if there was ever any question...
Guys, you have a lot of work to do... Start with some research.
What has happened to porn these days?
A few weeks back, I decided to go to the movies. It was a Saturday night, I had a few hours to kill, I decided to go catch " Wonderland," the movie about John Holmes and the murders that took place on Wonderland Avenue. I love Val Kilmer, but that came second to my interest in the movie.
So there I was, sitting in the back of the theater, eating the $.99 Twizzlers I had smuggled in from the 7-11, and the scene starts to dawn on me. A few rows ahead of me - Henry the Chronic Newspaper-Reader. A few rows away from him, Chompy McChomp chewin away on his tub o'popcorn, and Oldy McOldguy a few seats away from him, waitin for the previews to start and nervously tapping his foot because he had to take his heart pills at 630. The realization that #1: I am the only female in the theater and #2: we are all at the theater ALONE to watch a movie about John Holmes -- I felt like I was in one of those old-school porn theaters.
I felt like Pee-Wee Herman.
But instead of getting caught masturbating I was probably going to get accosted.
Eventually, though, people started to fill up the theater. Couples, mostly. And by the time the film started, the theater was almost full. And thats about the point where another realization dawned on me:
"Shit. Where did all the porn theaters go?"
I mean, here is a theater FULL of people, waiting to watch a film about an infamous porn star. A few years ago, the same amount of folks would have been in the same situation, only armed with maybe some kleenex, or a wet-nap, anything... if we were lucky... and we all woulda been there to watch Real Porn. Before digital video. Before airbrushing. Before the fake double D's. Pimples on the ass porn. Great big bush porn. Show me the cellulite. Show me the sagging post-natal boobies and the giant nipples chapped from exposure and overuse. The hairy ball-sacs. The good, the bad and the ugly. It used to be there, all on the big screen. Back when porn was almost considered Art because it was Film. Not some guy in his basement with two girls, a bottle of baby oil and a kiddie swimming pool.
Porn never used to be all Barbie Doll Lesbians seeing who could fit what in their assholes. Porn used to have plot - albeit, not a good plot, but there was at least a story that could maybe aid in a fantasy here and there. Today, they have simply run out of things to do. Its gross for gross's sake.
Back in the day, if you were a pervert, you would put on a trenchcoat, sit in the back of the theater and beat your meat, knowing that you were doing the same thing everyone else in the theater was doing, but it didnt matter. It was okay, it was still private in a way.
Now, whether you like it or not, pop-up ads throw Twyla and her Twirling Twat in your face whether you want it there or not. You're no longer a pervert - you're just some average Joe, because you're seeing the same thing that your mother, your brother, your uncle Louie, your math teacher -- you're all seeing the same twat. And what does it do? Okay, it twirls, but whose doesnt these days.
We're desensitized. A lot of men might argue. And I can buy that -- its nice to watch some hot lesbians tonguing each other on spring break on some jackass's boat.
But my point is...
Porn has lost it's mystique.
Back in the day, Times Square, the Combat Zone in Boston, the Georgetown Drive-In, even, these weren't the most desireable places to go, but SO MANY PEOPLE WENT. Deep Throat. Behind the Green Door. The Devil in Miss Jones. People flocked to see these movies, in the THEATERS. And even today, people KNOW these movies. They're actually considered classics, albeit not in the Dickens sort of way (pun maybe intended...)
(apologizes for using "albeit" twice in same post.)
So, where do we go now? These places dont exist anymore. Sitting at your computer jerkin off to UnderageAsianHornyHousewifeAssFuckers.com - it misses the DECADENCE folks! The whole point of being a pervert is being sneaky. That's why flashers hide in the bushes. Where does being a public pervert get you? You're just chasin the cheese! Everybody's a public pervert! You wanna be different? Toss out your computer porn - stop hiding behind a screenname -- go back to when porn wasnt as accessible and therefore meant more and "accomplished" more... Become a Mormon or move to the Amish Country...
Or just bring porn theater back. Show some late-night screenings of the original Debbie Does Dallas. I'm surrounded by sex everyday, but when i was sitting in that theater, for a few moments, I felt like a pervert.
And I liked it.
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