Girls have Vaginas
and Boys have a Penis
Come shop at Eros
Happy Halloweenis!

~ Lucy and spaz

When you work in customer service, you have to be prepared to answer a lot of the same questions over and over again.

"How much is this?"

"Where are you located?"

"How late are you open?"

"Does this come with batteries?"

$32.00.

Across from the Metropolis Cafe/next to Garden of Eden/between Clarendon and Dartmouth.

Ten o'clock.

No.

And, as you may know if you've been reading our blog up until now, we also have to answer a lot of less common questions (eg. can you help me put my harness back together; can you help me with this zipper; do you have any sort of contraption that can go from my penis to my mouth so I can swallow it when I cum...)

But after going over everything that has ever crossed our path here at Eros Boutique, there are a few questions that leave us baffled. Mainly in the "Are you serious or just a pervert" sense of bafflement.

Scenario #1. (FYI - these are all over the phone, because I don't think anyone has the balls to ask us to our faces.)
"Do you carry french maid's outfits?"
"Yes, we do."
"Do you have my size?"
"Well, what size are you, sir?"
"Large. Do you have a dressing room I can try it on in?"
"Yes."
"Do I get assistance with that?"
click.

Scenario #2
"I was looking on your website and I have a question." (they all stem from the website...)
"okay."
"The Penis Pump..."
"Yes?"
"What's your experience with that?"
"In what sense?."
"Will it really make my penis bigger?"
"That's what it's used for."
"Well, does it hurt?"
"Sir, I'm a woman. Considering I don't have a penis, I couldn't tell you what it's like to stick it in something."

Scenario #3
"Hi, I was looking at your website and I have a question."
"Yes?"
"What's a rubber doll for?"
"A rubber doll?" (maybe we misheard.)
"Yes, how does it work?"
"How does it work? You put your dick in it and you have sex with it."
"How much does it weigh?"
"Um, 5 pounds?"
"Oh I have to put air in it to make it big?"
"Yes you do sir."
"okay, thank you."

(I had to include that entire conversation because he called twice in one night... Pervert or Just Dumb?)

So tell me...

How many different ways can you describe a harness? Or a cock-ring? A chastity belt? Or shackles?

Okay...

How many different ways can you describe each of these things, and at the same time, make people feel that they NEED to have them?

That's why Lucy and I are so indisposable here at Eros...

Because this is something we're good at. This is part of the job that breaks up the sometimes monotonous task of shining up the rubber and latex. But if it wasn't for all the grunt work, we wouldn't know as much as we do... And we wouldn't be as good at knowing it... And that's how I can justify having such a horrible grasp on forming a sentence correctly this evening... Because visions of studded jock-straps and peek-a-boo-butt-panties dance in my head...

We've come up with some good stuff, Lucy and I... Check out Dr. Feelgood, the "Brittney," Indecent Proposal. Even the Heidi Dress surprised us both. And then we get photos of items with no description, no title, nothing. Just a picture of a cock in a sling. And voila! It becomes a Gridlock Leather Cock Harness, a Studded Finger or a Penis Leash. (Stay tuned... As these items will shortly be up on our Website...) Sometimes even the goofy "dirty" jokes we told in second grade make a comeback, and this time around, actually MEAN something!

Rub My Duckie?

I mean, okay, we aren't the J Peterman catalogue, (IT'S A FRIGGIN HAT, FOLKS!!!) but how often does J Peterman get to hook someone up to a Spiked Nipple Gripper and say, "Yeah, how does that feel?"

Not as often as we do... I'm pretty sure of that...

Until next time... PokeMyHontas...

HEY!!

Check out Eros Boutique in this month's Adult Video News!

(and cut me a little slack - they didn't have the article in the online issue so I recreated it the best I could... One typo I know of is at the bottom of the second column... It says "even people who walk in by" and the next word should be "mistake." "Even people who walk in by mistake."

Yeah. That word got cut off somehow... and I wasn't in the mood to try to fix it.

Cheers!

~spaZ

Hello Eros Fans!

Today's topic is "Stuff You Never Thought to Use for Sex but Somebody Somewhere Did."

At one time, we had our own doubts about the following products - doubts such as, "Why didn't anyone think of this before?" and "Why on earth did somebody come up with this idea?" and "Why do we sell this here?"

But gradually, we came to accept the ideas, and even understand them. Yes, we may still shake our heads and laugh, but it's still our job to inspire the public to try something new, so we don't shake our heads that often.

So first off, in the "Why didn't anyone think of this before" Category, we have the Sensual Bath Buddy. Which is basically a vibrating sponge. It's absorbant and durable, and it has "powerful vibrating action." So now, when you've come home from a long day at the butcher shop and stink of salami, and you feel like gettin off in a nice warm bath, this little doozy kills two birds with one stone. It cleans, refreshes, and will make you cum in less time than it takes for you to rinse the shampoo from your hair. It's like the Veg-o-Matic - "it slices! it dices! it julliennes fries!" Only not quite as violent.

Second, in the "Why on earth did somebody come up with this idea," we have the Cock-Sucking Mirror. Which, basically, needs no description other than that. If you've ever wanted to see what you look like while you're giving someone head, which I personally don't, the receiver just pops this handy little thing over HIS thing and, well, there you go. Kinda like pay-per-view. But free. Aside from the cost of the mirror.

And now we have two items in our final category: "Why do we sell this here?"

ThumbCuffs. Now, the box says, "Designed for Official Police Use." And, well, they obviously are - they don't glow in the dark, there's no fur on 'em, and the instructions on the box are complicated enough that I, personally, would be scared to use them, because things that need that much instruction, well, the ADD takes the fun out of it. And, one actually has to come into Eros to buy a pair - maybe a keen marketing plan to get people away from their computers and out shopping in the real world. But, as far as we know, its the only product in our store that says "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN." With everything else, its pretty much a given. The manufacturers of the ThumbCuff probably never saw the potential uses coming.

And finally, saving the best for last, we have...

The Snake Bite Kit.

"For Campers, Hunters, Hikers and Home. This comes with two large high-suction cups for multiple bites, one small high-suction cup for small surfaces, an easy-to-use lymph constrictor, a scalpel, an antiseptic swab and complete instructions."

That's what the packaging says.

When Lucy first came across it, she thought that maybe someone left it here accidentally, but then noticed the Eros price-tag on it. So we pondered. We finally came to the conclusion that the suction cups are used for "nipple-action." And the lymph-constrictor actually resembles one of our cock-rings, and as for the antiseptic and the scalpel... well I guess those are kinda like a bonus prize. Like how the bank gives you a free back-pack when you open up a new account. Again, you only get the free back-pack when you open your account AT the bank, get it?

So there you have it, folks. The 4 products out of the hundreds we carry that left even the pros baffled for a bit. So, much like a Guru would offer the Meaning of Life to those who ask, we're just showing off how smart we are, whether you care or not.

"You have the coolest job EVER!"

"Are there any employment openings where you work?"

"Dude, that rocks!"

These are just a few of the phrases Lucy and I hear when we tell people what we do for a living. And, yes, ultimately, we probably do have one of the cooler jobs in the world. Aside from being a Hilton sister. But, they don't really do anything, do they... But really, we have a good time, even though it is work.

But that's not to say the environment doesn't come without it's challenges...

Enter "Dan."

For these intents and purposes, we'll call him "Dan Dan the Harness Man." Because it's funny, and it rhymes.

I heard him enter, I heard Lucy's usual cheerful greeting, and then I heard:

"I have a harness problem."

That was the point at which I turned around to see what was going on. He puts a bag on the counter, and proceeds to remove from it several leather straps, in a variety of lengths, and about 7 O-rings.
Nothing attached to anything.
No hint to where anything goes.
Just a big ol' pile of metal and leather.

"Wow." said Lucy. "This IS a problem."

And what ensued was a sort of "Survivor" meets "Trading Spaces" meets "Dom N Dommer"... Dan had bought the harness used from some guy in Texas, who had drawn him a picture of how the pieces were supposed to go together, which, of course, Dan lost. He tried to draw us his own picture, but he couldnt quite remember how it looked the last time he had it on. So the next hour was spent strapping up Dan in the most comfortable, yet restraining, fashion. We finally decided that the most suitable harness conglomeration was the one with only 2 straps and one o-ring left over. We all did the dance of joy, Dan stocked up on supplies, and then bought us cookies.

See? It's not all fun and games, folks.

Sometimes the stress can be similar to diffusing a bomb. Red wire? Blue wire? Short strap? Medium strap?

only here at Eros, nothing blows up.

And you get cookies.

If a penis could talk, which would be scary, what would it say about October 31st?

"Happy Halloweenie!"

Okay, okay... we know. Shut the hell up. But come on - to third graders that would be hysTERIcal!

But of course, a cheezy intro like that means we have a specific topic here.

Or maybe we just wanted to say "Halloweenie..."

(I need a vicoden.)

No, no - we have a topic, which, of course, is Halloween. That time of the year that stresses everyone out because they finally have the chance to be whatever they want to be, but now they have to come up with the Idea. There's only ONE DAY out of the whole year that you can be someone completely different, so you dont want to fuck it up by throwing a sheet over your head, makin some eyeholes and calling yourself a ghost. If you're not 2 feet tall, that's just not cute anymore.

That's why you need to shop here at Eros Boutique. Because as well as having anything you would need for your sexual fantasies, we have nearly everything you might need for Halloween. Except for face paint, vampire teeth, or any other crap you can get at CVS. We're talking about the Halloweenie (hee hee) need for latex, leather and rubber, the whips, chains and ball-gags. So you can be the slut or gimp you've always wanted to be!

For the couples... Please... Spare the world another lame representation of Fred and Wilma or Ward and June. And don't even think about doing the Ozzy and Sharon thing. They're gonna be everywhere. Now is the time to introduce all that kinky shit you've always wanted to try but never had a reason or the balls to...

Happy Halloweenie!

Ladies, how about dressing up like a dominatrix... Oh, you've already thought about it? Well then if youre gonna do it - DO IT RIGHT.

Let's get the crucial issue out of the way first - the Dress. Look no further, because we have the Dominatrix Dress. The name says it all. And just like anything else you put on in the morning, it's all about how you accessorize. You need a whip, you need fishnets, possibly some thigh-hi boots, and BAM! Now you're cookin - just like Emeril. But that's another costume for another year...

Now, ladies, bring out the Gimp. (For those who have been living under a rock for the last few years and haven't seen Pulp Fiction, your Gimp is your Slave.) We have everything you need for him as well. A collar, the leash, the ball-gag, how about putting his monkey in a cage? Hmmm... He may like that, so use your discretion. We can scare him if needed.
Goin solo? Ever had a hankerin to be in Hannibal the Cannibal's shoes? Or at least his mask? Try this on for size. Masks. Boy do we have masks. Sadly, none of them come in a box like they used to back when we were kids, when you strapped a piece of plastic to your face and donned a tablecloth with sleeves and VOILA! You're Charlie Brown! No, these are serious masks... All which make their point. And all which will make other people jealous that they dont have one to call their own.

Or, if you're the more creative type and have an almost intolerable amount of patience, we have the Liquid Latex Starter Kit. Apply a few coats (allowing it to dry 5 to 10 minutes in between each coat) and you have a custom-made rubber costume. Or, if you're really gung-ho on the whole ghost and witch Halloweenie tradition, pick up some Bondage Rubber Strips. Useful for binding, restraining or wrapping yourself up like a mummy. 3 to 4 rolls will give you total mummification. Good times. Not too sticky. And sure beats Charmin.

And last but not least, for those of you who have 20 minutes to get to the biggest party of the year and STILL haven't done anything about a costume, you can always hog-tie your partner and carry him or her around on a stick like a hobo.

See? Something for everyone...

Happy Halloweenie!

Knight Rider was a great show. And Kitt was the coolest car ever. So today's topic, in honor of Kitt, is The Kit.

We have the Dick Kit. We have the Stripper Kit. We even have a Bondage 101 Kit. And for those of you who really need some help, we have a Honeymoon Kit. But we picked out four of our favorites to enlighten the general public. Unfortunately, though, none of them come with David Hasselhoff.

The Lover's Prisoner Kit. For those new to bondage or those who prefer a tamer, more sensual bondage activity with their partner, this kit comes with a set of soft, fuzzy cuffs with velcro closures, a matching collar and leash, and a starter bungee-whip. Very unlikely to cause any type of skin abrasions, unless you're really good with a whip, and even then, it's all in the wrist... So many things are these days... Even the packaging has a sort of "sixty's-free-love-meets-subtle-'skin'emax" image that doesn't scream hard-core-kink. It's cute, it's fun, and it's harmless. If your mom found it laying around, she most likely wouldn't freak out. Unless you're Mormon.

The Pirate's Pleasure Collection. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Tropical Pina Colada flavored Erogenous Massage Oil! Who doesn't love pirates? They're mysterious, assertive, and in a strange, rowdy way, kinda romantic. At least that's what Johnny Depp taught us. But don't get me started on Johnny. This is about Kitt... But I digress. What better way to act out your Lost-At-Sea fantasies than with the Pirate Kit. A tad bolder than the Prisoner's Kit, this package of love comes with a leather blindfold, a parrot feather tickler, an "Erotic Exploration Guide" (aka. your treasure map), the oil mentioned above, AND a multi-speed Slimline Body Massager for Sexual Swashbuckling (aka. your basic vibrator.) If it was up to us, we would have thrown an eye-patch in there, because THAT, my friends, is sexy.

Julie Ashton's Anal Beginner Kit. According to Julie, she "developed this kit to entice people to break the anal barrier. Starting with the smallest sizes, you'll enjoy hours of kinky fun as you progress to the larger sizes. I love it!" This kit includes small, medium and large gentle butt-plugs, an ultra-soft flexible vibrator, and Doc Johnson's Anal Lube for Beginners. (Please use the "Beginner" lube if you've never tried anal lube before. Once experienced, you can move up to the "Expert" lube. There's actually no such thing, but I thought it was funny they had to specify "beginner.")
*for more information on butt-plugs and why we use them, see previous post.

Lovers Crystal Collection. Our best-selling vibrator kit in the store. You should automatically know this because it's a "collection" and not a "kit." This baby includes a powerful 4-inch Vibe, a Vibrating Bullet, weighted balls, and 2 gummi cock rings. A little bit'o something for everyone. If you're in search for your first vibrator, this is the one to go with, because it gives you a few options, plus toys for someone to join in the fun. And it costs about as much as a regular vibrator. So right there you're getting more bang for your buck. Pun completely intended.

I say Red Sox you say Nomar!

~SpaZ

So today, instead of paying homage to Columbus and his Ninas and Pintas, reminiscent of my grade school days where whoever wrote the best essay on the discovery of America got to read it to the whole school, Lucy and I wanted to do a "word of the day" type thing, a word which would never be the topic of a third grade essay contest.

Today's word is Butt Plug.

Okay, that's two words, but you get the idea.

Now, with most sex toys, everything stems from something, you know? A vibrator is like a penis. Shackles inspire memories of perhaps that time you were arrested by the cops. Whips, gags, jungle juice (it's a room deodorizer, folks) - each of these items were all used for something besides sexual pleasure at one time.

So what;s the deal with the butt plug, right? I mean, what else could it be used for other than to shove it up your ass? A paperweight, maybe? Did some guy in an office, all overworked and stressed out by deadlines and the like, suddenly one day take a look at his paperweight and think, "hmmmmm....."

The truth is, no one ever really thinks about their assholes. Aside from about 15 minutes a day, we maybe even forget we have an asshole. And I'm not talking about my upstairs neighbor, either. If you have yet to embark on the sexual gratification that comes from anal stimulation, gents AND ladies, you're missing the Santa Maria. (homage.) Like Columbus discovering America, you, my friend, need to explore the unknown, and often taboo territory that is The Asshole. (more homage.)

Whether it's with a well-lubricated pinky finger, a string of anal beads, the aforementioned and more impressive butt-plug, or the full-on anal-intruder known as The Fist, you will be embarking on a journey to the most intense orgasmic experience you ever thought possible. For men, it's the back-door-entrance to prostate stimulation, for women its another way to discover that often hard to find G-spot.

So close your eyes, and imagine your asshole as a beautiful blooming rose of passion... Think of what Columbus must have felt when he saw land from afar after 24 years at sea (whatever.) He gasped in amazement, I bet, and then made his Vikings row harder and faster and promised them frankenscence and myrrh upon their arrival...

Yeah...

The asshole is kinda like that...

But without the vikings.

I've just started to notice that being a "slave to fashion" isn't a negative thing anymore. Because everywhere you go now -- the bank, the supermarket, the movies, the Cheesecake Factory -- you see it...

The Cuff.

It's become so common that it's almost unnoticable, but when you look, they're everywhere. Everybody's doing it. Today, you're just not cool if you're not wearing Cuffs. And the fortunate thing about getting into the "bondage accessory" scene, is that it's pretty harmless. Unless you're into the harmful type of thing. Cuffs are good for that, too. It's win-win all around.

And why buy the cheezy plastic knock-offs at Spencers when you can walk into Eros or hop on our website and find yourself in front of a buffet serving up the "gourmet" of shackle-age. We have leather ones, rubber ones, pink ones, red ones, alligator ones, fur-lined ones, ones with alligator AND fur, and each one looks great with either jeans or a bedpost.

Lucy and I have discussed at length which one we think are the best and we finally decided on the Leather Locking Wrist and Ankle Shackles. (The pink ones came in a close second, but we realized we needed to speak to a more universal audience, because not all men are likely to come in and buy pink cuffs, even if we did say they were the best.)

The Leather Locking Wrist and Ankle Shackles. Why are those the best, you ask? Well let me tell you... First off, they're made of the softest leather I've seen on a cuff. And they're extremely adjustable. There are enough holes for the buckle that the smallest wrist can wrap it around to a perfect fit. They aren't bulky, and of course there's metal on them, which always adds to how "cool" they look.

So yeah, come on in, buy some cuffs, get in the loop. Don't be the only one on your block who can't lock yourself to something.

Come on....

Everybody's doin it...

~SpaZ

Classic...

This is something I thought only happened in movies...

This guy calls up, asking if we sell extra keys for the CB3000. (*for those of you unfamiliar with the CB3000, its the cream of the crop in male chastity devices. Pyrex. Padlock. If you're a guy who wants to lock your cock up, this is the way to go.)

But I digress...

(BTW: Today is Lucy's birthday, we're drinking champagne, and Social Distortion is blasting through the speakers. "Life goes by so fast -- you only wanna do what you think is right..." Yeah. It's kind of difficult to get anything accomplished this evening... We haven't had to pee alot tonight - which is good to note. It means we're learning moderation.)

And so it goes:

So "mike" calls.

Do we sell extra keys.

So Lucy tells him we don't have any extra keys in stock, but he might want to call the CB3000 people and see what the deal is. "But," she asks, "doesn't the CB3000 come with 2 extra keys? What happened to them?"

So Mike says:

"You see, the woman who put this device on me isn't my wife, and now she's out of town for a few days, and I just don't find it funny anymore."

"Oh." Lucy says. "Well, sir, that's what you get for letting a strange woman put something on your penis."

Luckily, there was laughter...

"Well..." Lucy racked her brain for a solution to the issue. "The only thing I can think of is to call the CB3000 people and see if they have any extra keys."

(half-hour later)

Guy calls back.

No extra keys. Kinda like when you go to Walgreens around Halloween and you try to buy one of those mini Hershey bars and you can't because there's a label on them that says "Not For Individual Sale."

Attempt #2: Go to Google.com, look up CB3000, and see if they have anything listed under "Emergency Removal." We have to think on our feet, you know. I might not know 2 shits about a Whitehead Gag, but that doesn't mean I'm not ready to do whatever I can at the drop of a hat. We know what to do, we know where to go for solutions. We know that people come in here knowing what they want - they have the valets across the street park their cars, so we have to be on the ball and know that some folks come in here only having 7 minutes. And we'll show them exactly what they need in 3 and a half.

And if some guy calls up, asking how to get out of his CB3000, and he isn't willing to go the emergency room or isn't handy with a skill saw, and we've done all we can up to those points, don't get mad. Because we did our best. We know thats the final straw. We feel your pain. But learn your lesson. The next time you're tied up and are handcuffed to a bedpost and the person with the key is nowhere in sight, give us a call and have some compassion...

We're just as screwed as you are.

Talk about desensitizing yourself.

The phone rings, Lucy answers. The audible portion of the following conversation is as follows:

"Hello, Eros..."
...
"An English cock-ring?"
...
"We don't have an English cock-ring..."
...
"Well, we have a gummy cock-ring, a vibrating cock-ring, the Manhandler, the Lasso, the Deluxe Erection Maker, the Chevron Stretcher -- oh that's a ball-stretcher, we have a ton of those -- ummm... the Gates of Hell -- "
...
"okay you want the Chevron?"

all i can do is sit and think about how when I worked in restaurants i used to be able to rattle off salad dressings the same way...

Example two:

Right now, Lucy's helping a guy try on a rubber muzzle.

"How's that? Is it too tight?"
"Mmmphph...mmph..."
"Well, this strap can be adjusted... how's that?"
"Mmmph!" (thumbs-up gesture.)

And the first thing to pop into my head is the memory of being fitted for my first bra. Minus the thumbs-up gesture.

Some people have to sit behind a desk all day and HIDE the fact that they surf porn on occasion... I have to remind myself that most folks aren't paid to check out ThunderTwat or TinyPuffyNipples. Lucy and I have been in situations that most people would think were made up.

But nothing is.

Everything you read in this blog is true. The events, at any rate. Names have been changed to protect the guilty (and so my mother won't recognize me and find out what I actually DO for a living.) If you're finding yourself intrigued at this point, check out our website at www.erosboutique.com. And then come back for another dose.

Everybody does, you know...

Gotta run - hang in there... (little bondage joke there...)

~SpaZ